So you've blagged your free CDs? You've listened to them all and have decided to do the honourable thing and actually review them. Good decision. I've heard Epitaph have hit-men (dont worry though theyre selling them all to Dreamworks)moving on.

The single most important part of your review is to divide all music into a category or genre. Failing that, make one up. This is a particularly useful technique for that time you stumble across an original or genre defining band (don't worry this doesn't happen to often). I bet the first person to think up the term emo wishes they'd copyright that baby. A good term to cover most bases is, melodic-jazz-emo-indie-punk-funk-metallic-ska-core or alternatively just punk will serve most purposes. This will sell the album/EP etc to pretty much everyone, which is ultimately the purpose of your review. Also be sure to mention which label the record is on. This means that readers can make up their minds without having to waste time reading the rest of the review. In fact if you decide to leave out the actual review content and simply supply a list of band names and labels you will save on photocopying/printing costs.

So now you have your genre name and label, whats the next step?

The next stage is only for the serious reviewer, preferably one with experience of other bands and music. For those couple of people who decide to read the entire review you may need some reference to other groups. However, instead of simply listing the bands influences you will need to link them together in an overly complicated and inventive manner. For example, "add The Sex Pistols, Black Sabbath and Abba together in a bowl and sprinkle with a generous serving of Discharge". Or how about "Imagine Bob Mould eating a bad curry made by The Peepshows and squeezing out *insert band name here*". My personal favourite so far was by Dan (or maybe it was Sean I get confused) Mckee in Fracture 24, "The Beatles doing interior design on a house owned by Nofx, rented by Bracket and sublleted to The Beach Boys". A true display of talent in this field I think you'll agree.

So finally to top it all off, to give it that little something extra, what do you need? Why an opinion of course! I can't help you too much here. I'll just highlight a few methods. In my (somewhat limited) experience reviews should be like Marmite- you should either love it or hate it. An absolute gem in the latter category was, once again, in Fracture 24 (I own other ones too). In which Monk Dave came out with: "You sick, stupid, lying fucking scum bags. You die. You go to hell and you die". Brilliance, I swear to you this man is taking reviewing in a whole new direction, we are witnessing the dawn of a new era. One idea when searching for an opinion is see what all the other zines are saying first- this way you wont feel silly and alone. Another good rule of thumb is Jawbreaker, Leatherface, Naked Raygun and Hüsker Dü = good. Emo and ska = bad. (This is not a dig at Monk Dave- he has the power to destroy me, my family and anyone I once cared about).

So there you have it. A fully-fledged guide to review writing. Now get out there, crack open the Biros and destroy the livelihoods of some 13 year olds who tentatively offered up their souls on a disc to you. It gets easier everytime...